playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
