Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
