Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
