Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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