you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
my poor anus
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
