four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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