either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
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