I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
