his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
