I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Randomize
