I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
this just has baby written all over it
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
