so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
