When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
