Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
