you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
