apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
