just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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