he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
