the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
