Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
