Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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