Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
