Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
