So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
