I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I need moral support for this bender
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
