my phone needs a breathalizer
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
