he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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