Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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