our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
