Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
splinters make it hard to masturbate
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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