So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
