Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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