What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
