I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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