My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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