Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
