Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
