I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
