Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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