Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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