when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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