Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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