I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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