i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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