i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
