A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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