I accidentally had phone sex last night
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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