so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
There's always time for handjobs
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
