Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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