He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
