I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
you never un-have a 4some
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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