I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I think I won the penis lottery.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
