dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
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