Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize