my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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