i don't like sucking hair
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
