I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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