This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
