I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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