My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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