so that wasnt chicken after all
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
