I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
