Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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