upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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