Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
