I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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