We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize